So, my active blogging has come to an end. Last night I returned home to the States, a tumultuously emotional process to be sure. While my trip may be over, my journey continues as I depart from my family in Nigeria. I have many things to sort out, and still more to learn as I process the things I've gained from Africa. I will continue to post blogs as a walk through my "re-entry."
Leaving Jos was emotional. The two days before I left were filled with tears, laughter and long moments of silence. I didn't want to leave, to be sure. The last two weeks have been filled with anxiety as I've thought about reintegrating back into my life, especially New York life. In actuality, it terrifies me.
When I first realized I was going to Africa, I thought I'd have a life altering experience. I thought it would be an emotional and spiritual high that transformed my life radically. I was expecting radical things. Nothing so radical happened, however. And as a reflect back, it's exactly what I needed. Throughout my short 26 years, I've had many mountain top experiences with God. It's like an emotional roller coaster, where my relationship with God is dependent mostly on my emotional state. There is very little stability in that. One moment you feel close to God, the next far away, and during that time you're commitment fluctuates. I live a life of distraction. I live in the most distracted city in the world, pulling my attention in a hundred different places. I work 60 hours a week, which pulls me away from my friends, community and passions. God becomes another "to do" on your daily schedule. I'm so used to "penciling" people in that I've resorted to penciling God in as well.
While I was in Nigeria, I experienced a different way to live. Jos is a community that does not thrive off of vanity like in the States. There are no billboards screaming at you, telling you how you fall short of "pretty" or "handsome." They don't have blocks and blocks of stores that scream "buy me, buy me." They don't have a commute that forces you to look up at the subway advertisements instead of looking your neighbor in the eye and saying a simple "good morning." America teaches us to disengage from others. And when we disengage from others, we inevitably disengage from God. My life had become one huge distraction.
While I was in Jos, I was forced to live differently. There were very few distractions. In most of Africa, you live life on the fringe. You have so little, and so you are forced to depend on religion, faith and God. There is very little structure in Nigeria. The government is makeshift at best, institutions go on strike weekly, there is little dependability with income and food. The only dependable structure that they possess is religion, their faith. They are forced to depend on God because it is what gives them hope.
In Nigeria, the humanitarians, those who fight for the poor, those who are generous with their possessions, those who are willing to accept them, even if they are HIV positive, are those with deep faith. Unlike in the States, where humanitarianism, equality, and acceptance seem to be defined limitedly in liberal ideals, in Nigeria they are the ideals of the religious leaders and the communities steeped in deep faith. Faith Alive carries no judgment. They accept everyone, despite where they are or where they've been. They love people, they treat people, and they give people hope. That is what Christ came to demonstrate, and that's how we are to model our lives.
In Nigeria I learned how to rely on God day by day in a way I have not been able to learn in America. I have learned the consistency of His presence, and the stability of my commitment. I've learned to live with God without distraction.
So you see why I'm terrified. I'm terrified of all the distraction. That I will go back to my life, and distraction will slowly pull me away from the things God has meant for me. That I will go back to living my life the way it has always been. I'm afraid I will slowly forget, not only the things I learned and saw while in Africa, but how to walk in faith without letting distraction overwhelm me.
And lastly I'm afraid of coming back to my life, and once again taking everything I have for granted. I have a phone, a nice computer, an ipod, a gym to work out in, a great job, a wonderful apartment, food in my fridge to feed a whole family. These are things that most people in Nigeria would fall to their knees and cry if they were ever given. Yet I find myself complaining. I want to value everything that I have as gifts, not as entitlement. I'm lucky, so freakin' lucky for the things and opportunities I have. And if I forget that, I not only do an injustice to my friends and family in Nigeria, but I disrespect myself and what I've been given. I have a responsibility now to do things differently, to see things differently. It's a burden and a blessing that everyone who experiences such poverty is forced to carry. And we have a responsibility to carry it for those we have come to love.
As I look back on my time at Faith Alive, and a reflect on the mission of the clinic, I am reminded of one of my favorite passages in the Bible:
Colossians 3:12-17:
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Faith Alive lives out this passage every day. Seeing these words come to life is like nothing I've ever experienced, and it compels me to live my life the same. That is my prayer and hope...
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